Russia

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#1
“In Soviet Russia, I hate YOU!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Russian Reversal

“In Putinist Russia, YOU assassinate journalist!!”
~ Russian Reversal on modern Russia

“Goddamn commies!”
~ President of Bulgaria on Being left without gas


Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: Россия-мать-вашу), is the world's largest banana republic and the world's biggest source of smaller banana republics since 1991, commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin', a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?

Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sas ....they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.

Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas (see: Svetlana of The Real World). The porn star Winnie the Pooh (Russian: Превед) hot people's god.

Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia's ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.

Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won't let them say the word that sounds like 'bee' in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka.

There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.

Russia drastically changed upon the announcement of Catholic Church acknowlegement of the existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when people realized that Russia, big as it, was not a continent, and that Caspian Sea not filled with cream cheese.

Russia long been staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status declined since cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Russia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and the actors guild of hollywood.
 

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#2
History of Russia



Russia was founded at some point in the past, probably before you were born. But it's not important when Russia was founded because before 1492, the world (and mostly Europe, that is) didn't know Russia existed since everybody had trouble locating it on the map. Seems that "somewhere between Danube river and Kamchatka peninsula" wasn't very clear after all.

Then, in 1492, some dude did something and Russia was discovered. They named it after the people Rushians for their will to hurry others up while slacking off on the stove (WTF!?!) themselves. In Russian they used the word bistro, which means "hurry", but this goes onto yet another explanation... Yes-yes, back to the story.

So at that time, tired of watching these lazy asses sit their lazy ass off, Sauron, who was in feud with his roommate God, sent an army of orcs to wipe the nation off of the butt of the planet. Rushians called them "Tartars" for their fonding of tar. The Tartars actually did pretty well and destroyed all of the Rushian race. God then was pissed off and took some Bulgars from the South, proclaimed them Russian and repopulated the region. He was actually good at those SimEarthLife games.

After that came Peter the Great, the first homosexual czar. He was in fact so gay that he shaved his beard off and wore non-kneehighboot shoes. Since nobody understood his trends at the time, Peter left Moscow, went 700 km north, sat on a tree stomp and had an epiphany of himself fucking a bear. He then had bearman children (looking pretty much like Shrek) with whom they repopulated the nearby swamp and renamed it Saint-Pidorsburg. Why that? Well, ask a Russian what pidor means.

Funny thing, there is no Russia in history between November 1917 and July 1991. What happened to it during this period of time remains a veiled mystery. Some say that Russia went forth in time for 74 years. Others speculate its grouping with the less important countries to form something called USS- USSR, that is? Hah, can you even BELIEVE that bullshit! Cracks me up every time!.. USSR... Anyway. The only thing we now know for sure is that when Russia came back, there was much radiation creating such things as a two-headed eagle, beautiful females and Zhirinovsky. All male population also somehow turned into heavy drinkers and there were statues of some bald dude and mustached dude on the streets.

This all leads me to conclude that Russians now have superadvanced technology allowing them to create weird stuff, but which works only on their tract of land... Fortunately.


In 1998, Vladimir Pudding led a revolution (Number 393 of that year) and established a USC ("United States of Commies"). From then on, Puddıng began a secret pıece-by-pıece deployment of Russıa's underground secret forces to Lapland. As he said at his one and only press-conference given to an amnesic journalist from the country of DrunkAssPooPoos (for, gentle reader, Liffwania won the third world war, and empired russia!). The main idea of those measures was to dig numerous labyrinths underneath the Laplandians so they one day would fall through and into those labyrinths and get lost in there. Pudding insisted that this (dubious) idea was now the State's War Doctrine, which would also bring peace to the small and poor nation of slightly obese elves - Americans who were suffering a lot from the expansionism of the Israeli-Palestinian commonwealth government. The deployment of Russıa's underground dungeon-forces began on July 3, 2005. By now, underneath the barren lands that were once Liffwania, there are 3 mechanized dungeon units digging the first "dungeon of chaos"...


In this brief period of time here, Jessies 2.0 (AKA The Ultimate Baby Who is Quite Gentle) ruled Russia, as you can tell her image was good for the Russian peoples, sadly, they didn't like being barked at. It was also Jessies who origionally sent the divine puppy messenger to Lenin's toilet with an epic poem tied to its neck basically telling him to start the revolution.

One particular thing about Russians is that they are very much nostalgic about Unions, they like to live in a union of countries by annexing and deporting ethnic population and russifying them with monkey brained russians and call the annexed country a part of Russian Union. A notable example is the former country of Karelia, where the local population was reduced to -33,000 (down from 200,000), and the Russian population was increased (by forced immigration) to 100,000, making the population overwhelmingly Russian. Karelian is actually an extinct language now, known only for the fact that the number of Karelian speakers is negative. But Russians seem to think that it is their natural right to inflict genocide on whoever they want, while calling other nations breeders of racism and fascism. You gotta love'em!

If History has told us one thing it to always invade Russia at the first oppertunity. During winter if possible. So if you are an asperation despot such as Napoleon or Hitler then as soon as possible follow this lesson of history.

Currently there is only one person living in Russia, Kevin Dickson. He is in the center of Russia. Russia is currently a burning mass in which anyone or anything that walks into the fiery hell that Kevin Dickson has created will be utterly and totally dead in a fiery painful death. Currently satellite imagery tells us that Kevin Dickson is still standing in that same place waiting. It is just what for that we want to know...

Russia is actually quite similar to the United States of America. In America someone can go in front of the White House and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush. In Russia one can go to Red Square and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush.
 

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#3
Kulaks

These were the evils of Stalins beautiful rule. I must say it was good. These Kulaks were rich peasents. I know its terrible. Well as you know stalin did the right thing. He killed em all. Every single one. And so the peasents regoiced as Stalin killed there rivals.(It was a plan to get people to like him(He was very lonely and paranoid, Germans to right of him germans to left here I am stuck in russia)
History of Phuphaica

Another great Rusian invention is phuphaica - a Rusian quilted jacket made from highly praised natural fibre - phuphaikin, produced by specially selected fleas found only in their natural habitat in Siberbia. Commonly worn by Russians for several centuries it was banned only recently due to the cruelty to fleas, poaching and anti – phuphelin campaign in the West Indies. Now only a few phuphelin farms are left in the whole Seriberian region licensed by Russian government as ‘organic’ and overseen by UNHCHF.

Now days phuphaicas have became so rare that it is only affordable to a few extremely wealthy people going through the secret ritual. First stage of the ritual usually involves fingering the Pudding by the lucky one, then he/she goes to the special place called 'Butylki' for a couple of years of meditation, enlightenment and poking and then after participating in the process called by our learned friends as The Moscow Circus; he/she will be granted phuphaica for 9 years. Recent example is Mr. Hobotkovsky, who became a lucky owner of his own phuphaica after fingering the Pud.

Although Russian phuphaica authorities deny that the next two candidates have already been selected, independent experts have named Anatasia Romanovsky and Berez Borisovich as the latest lucky ones.

Some sources suggest that Russia is in fact governed by Lesotho, which threatens the Russian government with its impressive army massed on the frontier between Russia and Lesotho. Vladimir Pudding, the supreme czar of all the Russians, is believed to be in fact a spy from Lesotho disguised as a puppet. This fact is partly proven by the fact that he likes skiing, the national Lesotho sport, and that he could never have learnt skiing in the hot deserts of Siberia.

The famous Russian talk-show The Windows, named after the infamous OS, is the most popular talk-show in the universe. It is also popular in the United States of Pedophilia, which is the country south of Russia.

Some Russian pastimes include: tormenting circus bears and invading germany (as well as any other country that dares to exist within a 800km radius from Russia.)Nigger!

Russians love their Motherland very much, the further they are from it, the more they love it. Therefore they love their Motherland most from Brighton Beach. Another national trait (as recent surveys show) is that if these Motherland lowing Russians stranded abroad were offered to choose between returning home or being shot on the spot, 156 % would choose the latter, the rest 25 % would commit suicide.

There are some famous russian philosophus: Sasza Krates, Pietia Goras, Mesofius Volkov, Kola Pepsin, Vasya Pupkin

Язык

"Rrrr... Rrrr three... bik!" Какие эти знаки? Они - не Англииские! Не Европейские! Ну, от куда они - Марса? Фактически, это секретный код, созданно Советским Науком 200 лет назад. Первый знак этого "языка" - "Я". Всегда смешивает всех Американцев и большинства Европейсков, по тому что похож на их знак "R". Думают... "Яяяяяя... Я - ussia!" А ещё веруют, даже сейчас, что этот язык написанно обратно. Никто в Америке может читать етот код. Это главная причина за удачи Советских Шпионов, которие крают Западные Секреты каждый день. И никогда не понимают, когда шпионы назвают их "сукин сын" или "плеть." По тому, что есть богохульство в этом секретном коде, Россия исползывает народным языком. В Америке ещё работают за рещать загадку, именно "Испанский Язык."
 

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#4
Holidays

The holiday system in Russia is extremely strange. There are only a handful of non-Russians who can understand it. Actually, winter is one big holiday and it is always winter. Russians start drinking straight vodka in the middle of December and begin trying to stop when February comes. Spring, summer and fall are also holidays, similar to winter in that it is customary to drink through all of them, which is hard since they do not exist in Russia. The Russian people, being the geniuses they are, came up with the creative solution of drinking four times as much during winter (the rest of the year) to make up for it.

Of course, Santa visits Russia. However, Russians don't believe it is Santa, so they call him "Grandfather Frost". When Santa arrives at Russian Seriberia, he parks his transport, drinks a lot, gets a drunken blue-faced girlfriend (Russians call her "Snow-small-bedpan") and starts his afoot-travel through the darkness. Sometimes he also becomes blue-colored, according to the amount of Vodka. That is why he needs to sleep the rest of the year.

One New Year is not enough for the Russians, so they invented a second New Year (Russians call it "Old New Year"). It is celebrated on the 14th of January. To fill the 14 days of emptiness between two New Years, patriarch of Russian Orthodox Church decided to celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January, because other world's Christmas was not very popular in Russia due to preparations to the first New Year.

In 1956, as part of the counter-revolution, after Pudding's distant great uncle, Prince Vyacheslav Bukharikov was assasinated, the Russian Orthodox Church officially laid out a set of traditions that were to be strictly followed on every holdiay. Amongst these traditions are getting drunk, knife fighting, and that cool dance with the feet and the hats.

Its very easy to recognize Russian men by typical national costume of males, either:
Leather jacket (old),
Sweater,
Tracksuit(NIKI, ADODAS),
Sports shoe
Incredible Shrinking Russians

In one of the great feats of modern Russian technology, Russians have discovered a way to make miniature clones of themselves. Unfortunately, the clone is forced to be exactly 80% size of the original. This does not pose a problem unless the process is taken to its extreme and too many clones are produced. The smallest and final clone will simply split in half due to the Russian scientists who thought they could play God. The Vatican is currently working to ban the process but is making very little progress. In the words of a prominent Russian cloning researcher, "We are orthodox. What for should we care?"
 

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#5
Things that could happen to you in Russia
In Russia car drives you
In Russia mirror looks at you
In Russia clothes wear you
In Russia stereo listens to you (then sends you to work down a salt mine)
In Russia vodka drinks you
In Russia curb sits on you
In Russia holiday takes you
In Russia salt puts you on chips
In Russia hunger eats you
In Russia animals visit you in the zoo
In Russia comics laugh at you
In Russia trees climb you
In Russia boss likes you
In Russia computer types on you
In Russia door opens you
In Russia soup line stands in you
In Russia baby eats you
In Russia spine breaks you
In Russia desk put gum on you
In Russia weeds obliterate you
In Russia fart makes you
In Russia plumber sexually assaults you
In Russia target shoots you
In Russia city live in you
In Russia ice cream licks you (and likes it)
Famous and infamous Russians



Comrade Shadiac
Comrade Tom Mayfair
Comrade <insert name here> (this is probably you) 1
Comrade Ivan Drago
Comrade Ivan Tolstoy
Comrade Vasily Tolstoy
Comrade John Lenin
Comrade Ivan Stalin
Comrade Ivan Khrushchev
Comrade Ivan Brezhnev
Comrade Ivan Andropov
Comrade Ivan Gorbachev
Comrade Ivan Yeltsin
Comrade Ivan Rasputin
Comrade Aleksander Ovechkin
Comrade Ivan Pot
Comrade Ivan Kekkonen
Comrade Ivan Tchaikovsky
Comrade Ivan Tchaikovsk
Comrade Ivan Stravinsky
Comrade Ivan Kasparov
Comrade Ivan Karpov
Comrade Ivan Kramnik
Comrade Ivan Spassky
Comrade Ivan Bush
Comrade Ivan Skywalker
Comrade Ivan Santa
Comrade Ivan Clinton
Comrade Ivan Hussein
Comrade Ivan Molotov
Comrade Ivan Einstein
Comrade Ivan Trotsky
Comrade Ivan Mao Tse-tung
Comrade Ivan Ghandhi
Comrade Ivan Putin
Comrade Ivan Vader
Comrade Vladimir Popovicovipskievinikyoff
Comrade Ivan Guevara
Comrade Ivan Zhivago
Comrade Natasha Kournikova
Comrade Natasha Portman
Comrade Natasha Spiers
Comrade Natasha Aniston
Comrade Repeat
Comrade Natasha Henstridge
Comrade Kolyan II
Comrade Yogi Berra
Comrade Repeat
Comrade Comrade
Comrades The Brothers Karamazov
Comrade Dschinghis Khan
Comrade Zangief
Comrade Repeat
Comrade Criss Angel
Comrade Timur
Aqune
 

zhenshen

Вселенское Зло
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#6
What To Do Upon Accidentally Ingesting Russia
Induce vomiting
get plenty of fluids in to avoid dehydration, preferably Borsch
induce more vomiting
realise the Borsch is making you vomit when you faint
take an aspirin if you can reach it
lay down in a comfortable, dark place
contact count Popeula for further instructions.
if death spasms continue, attempt sepuku to help preserve your honor for you, and for Mother Russia!

The number should be on the backside of your local Continent of Europe.
drink Coke. Russia is allergic to it.
Eat cake
wear lots of Soviet hats
harass minorities and starving children, it may be your last time.

Russian Women


The myth that there are Russian women is just a myth. There are no Russian women, only Russian men without penises. These "women" are available for sale throughout the internet and you can buy your own one as a souvenir (even if you haven't been to the country!) by typing "free screensavers" into Google! Although the UN has made such purchases illegal by international law, various Frenchmen have assisted the Russians by chopping off the minute penises of many of their own men and sending them to Russia.
 
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